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Troll Kamp
The Internet: Serious Fucking Business
Yes, I am 18 or older
Articles
Orientation
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Intermission
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Exams
Extra Credit
Orientation
DERP
Article 1
Use the scroll bar, numb nuts
You have most likely wound up here because you are a fail-troll, or in a rarer-case, are an incredibly smug ass-hat seeking a way to take the internet more seriously; in either case you epically fail it and broke the gaydar with your faggotry. You should very seriously consider suicide as a viable (and possibly only) option. Troll Kamp will not make you an alpha troll. It will not teach you to 1337 H4X, nor will it make you funny or interesting, so you should probably quit now, you loser. Also, you're adopted....Still here? Your obviously retarded. Training begins as soon as you fetch the sandpaper condom and present your anus. Here's the rules:1) I make no garuantees to your safety here on the webbernet, emotional or otherwise. 2) Do it for the lulz. EDIT: 2.5) Although no trolls are expected to like each other, utilizing outright cyber-terrorism on your fellow trolls is considered poor form and exceptionally stupid because there are always more of them than YOU, newfag.3) I hate you. 4) There are no real rules, just wise suggestions.5) Bacon. 6) Everyone on the net is completely full of shit... and on that note, trolling the trolls here is like shitting on an ocean of fecal matter, so have at, you'll totally make a difference! 7) I still hate you. 34) If it exists, there is porn of it, no exceptions. ?) Boners for everyone, no exceptions.Ultra Serious Rule) Disregard all of that, I suck cocks.
Chapter 1
What is a Troll?
"You are not your job. you are not how much money you have in the bank, not the car you drive, not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking kahkis. Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not beautiful or unique snowflakes. We are the same decaying orgainc matter as everything else in the universe. We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. We are all part from the same compost heap." --Tyler Durden No matter what you do, trolls always win. Trolls are made of fungus, scourge and hate. A troll is bulletproof, shows no mercy and abuses any power available. Trolls bioregenerate 2d6 hp per round and can only be killed with fire (unless rendered invulnerable due to lulz). Based on the common usage of the word troll, all furries, otherkin, otaku, Grammar Natzis, bitches, fucktards, noobs, racists, peaceniks, lol-cows, white knights, retards, internet users, twits, and YOU are trolls. Attention whores are not trolls, just irl bimboes.A troll... -is the guy who tells the cripple ahead of him in line to hurry up. -is first to get to the window to see the car accident outside. -is the one who wrote your number on the mall's bathroom wall. -is a failing student who makes passes at their young and attractive English teacher. -is the guy loitering on Park Ave. that is always trying to sell you something. -is the one who handed his jizz-drenched clothes to Good Will. -is the one who introduced you first to Goatse. -is the hot incest dream that you'll try to forget for days. -is the only one of your group of friends to be secure in his sexuality and say anything. -is the best friend that tags along for your first date and cock-blocks throughout night. The decent girl you're trying to bag walks out on the date. -is a friend that constantly asks you to try mutual masturbation with him. -is the guy who calls a suicide hotline to hit on the adviser.-is nuking the hard-drive next time someone knocks on his door. -is the one who left a used condom outside the schoolyard. -is the voice in your head that tells you that it doesn't matter if she's drunk. -is the friend who constantly talks about your mom's rack. -hates you. -is someone who would pay a hooker to eat his ass, and only that. -is the uncle who has touched you several times. -is still recovering in the hospital, after trying something he saw in a hentai. -is a witty, intelligent, well adjusted member of society with a Honda civic, a mortgage, cats that they don't light on fire and successful careers as lawyers, documentarians, and public officials. They have two lovely children and beautiful wives (because, you see, they are all heteronormative) that they met sitting next to each other on a flight to Fiji.
Education on a budget!
Chapter 2
Philosophy of the Lulz, Barrell Rolling and Troll's Remorse
Article 3
LULZ Once you've established that you're not going to kill yourself today and you come to realize that all things are relative, you are left with only one real option in philosophy... To do it for the lulz. Lulz is the one unifying force in the world. Those experiencing it are bonded mentally and emotionally. If one is truly experiencing the lulz, they will be invulnerable to all attack (this process is known as barrel rolling). Lulz is the only good reason to do anything, from trolling to consensual sex. After every action taken, you must make the epilogic dubious disclaimer: "I did it for the lulz". deffinition:lulz [luhls] noun1. The act of entertaining oneself, often with the misfortune of others; an agreeable occupation for the mind 2. Something affording pleasure, diversion, or amusement, esp. a performance of some kind 3. A corruption of "lol"; Lol -> lul; lols -> luls; lolz -> lulz. Lulz is the only good reason to do anything, from trolling to consensual sex. After every action taken, you must make the epilogic dubious disclaimer: "I did it for the lulz". Lulz in history: "I did it for the lulz" - Hitler "We did it for the lulz." - after Jews did WTC "Ask not what the lulz can do for you; ask what you can do for the lulz." - John F. Kennedy "That's one small step for a man. One giant leap for the lulz." - Neil Armstrong "I have a dream that one day, people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but for the quality of the lulz." - Martin Luther King Jr. "I did not have lulzy relations with that woman." - Bill Clinton "I am never going to have anything more to do with politics or politicians. When this war is over I shall confine myself entirely to writing and lulz." - Winston Churchill "Man will ultimately be governed by God or by lulz." - Benjamin Franklin "To find yourself, think for the lulz." - Socrates "Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for the lulz." - Henry David Thoreau "All men by nature desire lulz." -Aristotle "Everything is lulzative." - Einstein "To err is human, to lulz is divine." - Alexander Pope "Lulz." - Any rapist after finishing up "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight for the Lulz" - Winston Churchill What did you do for the lulz today? TROLL'S REMORSE You know that sinking feeling in your stomach when you make someone cry on the Internet for the first time? Do you get the feeling of worthlessness and other emo fgt emotions after an epic troll? This is the medical condition known as "Troll's Remorse." You may also experience Troll's Remorse when you are caught by sysadmins and lose your paid account. Other cases, though not frequent, occur when something epic happens to someone who doesnt deserve it. As stated everywhere, this rarely happens because everyone fucking deserves it. common mistakes: If you are feeling the Troll's Remorse, do not, under any circumstances, apologize. Treatment: -Saying "I did it for the lulz" three times instantly clears all guilt. -Saying sorry. (WARNING: Doing so may cause your dick to fall off. You will also lose any man points and Xbox 360 Achievements you may have accumulated) -Reporting yourself and accepting a ban. Common Triggers for Troll's Remorse: "That's not funny my mother died that way/my mom just died" "I have AIDS (or other terminal illness)" "But, I am in a wheel chair" Raid Backfire "Noone likes me! (Note: This trigger officially certifies you as a faggot.)" Best option:To the Right a typical barrel roll is demostrated (press z+x foo!).Barrel Rolling renders you immune to incoming fire, just ask StarFox.If you cannot perform the barrel roll manuever consider dousing yourself in gasoline and lighting a match.
Chapter 3
The Twelve Commandments of FAIL
Article 1
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot." 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy." 3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their collective breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. 5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha." 6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying. 7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per novel sized response. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam," "veni, vidi, vici," and "fettuccini alfredo." 8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'." 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an internet citizen to post whatever the hell you want to (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, a faggot, or both. 10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic. 11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. 12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
Intermission
Article 1
ZALGO
Chapter 4
YOU... just where do you fit into all of this?
Article 1
DID YOU KNOW?...You are a cockless embarrasment to yourself and your family. You are gullible. You are a moron and probably a cunt, and yet, we will still beg you for money. You once sucked a cock for Crack. You think The Internet is serious business. You jack off to goatse, you sick fuck. You got caught fucking a bowl of ice cream by your parents Last Thursday. You voted for George W. Bush. Twice. You are in a shitty local band noone likes, although a few people may claim to so that you dont feel bad. You don't like it when people say bad things about you, and when they do, you cry about it. YOU fail at life, the Internet, and comedy? YOU sucked someone off so you could get the money to buy a video game? YOU are probably a smart-ass, bisexual, hipster, atheist teen who believes weed is nothing but a good thing? YOU can't do it. And if you are, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG? YOU are a sick fuck? YOU look at smut (Because that's what the Internet is for)? YOU get butthurt when someone PWNS your fucking ass? Noone likes YOU? YOU wish you had real friends? YOU are a dumbshit? YOU should definitely be slaughtered, preferably like the cattle you emulate? YOU enjoy tickling Balls? YOU just lost the game?
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Chapter 5
The Real Ultimate Flame
Article 1
This ancient psalm is a classic edition a powerful invocation of flame dating back to the web 1.0 Yes, you must complete reading it to be freed from your noob status. By the end you'll have burned enough insults into your brain that you'll be prepared in case your mother ever gets scared and sends you to live with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air...You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of Langerhans. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell? You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou. You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God created houseflies, cockroaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks, slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together. You should be promoted to Engineering Manager. Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001 worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the sewers in search of your git. You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toesucker. You make Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0 mind in a version 6.12 world. Your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You think that Troll Kamp is the name of a song by a rock band. You believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates would let you. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you. Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your spouse be blessed with many bastards. You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature; _Battlefield_Earth_ and _Moron_Movies_II_. You would be out of focus. You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel. You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair. It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium. Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid. This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while. I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other drivel. Duh. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good. I hope this helps...
You Are Now Breathing Manually
Exams
Test Prep
What is seen cannot be unseen.
Did you study hard? Did you bring your number two pencil? If so, you won't need it, you faggot, you can just google the answers to any questions, so we have to take a different approach.Mute the music player at the bottom of the screen if you didn't already. Your tests for fledgling trollhood are a test of mental endurance. You must watch each video in full, without looking away, without gagging/vommiting and without masturbating. Just kidding, you can fap if you want to. Proceed to the next page.
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Services 2
Quiz One
Quiz Two
Watch each video in full, then proceed to the next when it is complete. Do not attempt to use brain bleach or you will be disqualified.
Quiz Three
Final Exam
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You Have Unlocked Bonus Material!
Services 1
About01
Problem?
Now that you have taken your final exam it's time to prep you for the real thing: How to identify the perp: Most trolling targets will simply be asshats that enjoy lots of butt hurt over nothing, but these are merely used as transitory targets until you are able seek the mega-lulz to be had with true internet humanitarians. Internet Humanitarianism is a severe form of internet disease which existed throughout the world for centuries, but started to accelerate during the coming of the web 2.0. Internet Humanitarians are frequently refered to as Internet Paladins. Symptoms of E-Humanitarianism: -Claiming to act purely to help others, despite being purely for their own benefit. -Selfless, until they realize no one around is regretful. -Value vigilantism, until they're the ones being vigilante'd. -Value freedom of speech, until their privacy is broken. -Value open source, until their system breaks. -Value socialism, until they are broke from paying for health care for societal drains. -Value morality, until the world finds out about their own mistakes. -Value the opinion of others, unless it's critique, then you're hater. -Believe in the power of the people, until they realize they can't dictate what happens; X is not your personal army. -Starting an internets genocide against all trolls. (It is important to note that TROLLS ALWAYS WIN).-Innability to barrel roll.
Don't Worry, I'm Here To Help
Come At Me Bro
About
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have completed Basic Troll School. You may now flip the tassle on your tinfoil hat. Here's your fucking e-diploma (see coupon to the right) *kicks you in the junk* If you would like to continue your education please see "Extra Credit"After that you will require at least 100 hours of lurking moar on the usual Troll Dens as well as at least 100 hours of independant trolling before you can be considered ready to lead trolling ops. When you learn to regularly deliver lulz you may be directed to start your /i/ education. Do not do so before you are told by your superiors as you may get V& if you are a retarded fuckhole, and you are. Now fuck off bitches, Ima fap to zippokitty now.
First Graduating Class, Circa 2006
Test Prep
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About01
About
Extra Credit
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GO HOME
Seriously, go the fuck home. We don't have any more stupid shit for you...............Alright fine, we do, but all of it sucks and you should know you now officially committed to the path of a basement dweller.This shit is all redundant, so I don't know why you are even bothering. Just think, you could be out getting laid right now! lol, j/k, but you could at least be masturbating.
lolrandom
YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol...as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meetrandom ppl like me ^_^... im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol...neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again ^_^ hehe...toodles!!!!!love and waffles,*~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~*It obviously needs to be repeated...No one cares about how unique and special you are, and when you tell people how unique and special you are, they are required to lol at you.
Why Troll
Beat Yo Ass
About
Chuck Norris Jokes are NOT funny
Page 2
This Gag was never worth a shit. Here is some magic SPAM instead.
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Rape is serious business. What is almost rape?For the conversations when simply being not raped isn't good enough, there is "almost raped."See any feminist- or lesbian-oriented community:"I was almost raped during my freshman year of college!" "A friend of mine was almost raped so I know what you're going through, moon-sister." The phenomenon of being "almost raped" is one of the countless by-products of the young, bored, collegiate version of liberal guilt, which has also given us e-Psychiatrists, the distressingly long-lived bi-curious trend, and, of course, Daddy's Money Lesbians.The following is a typical example of a woman's courageous "almost raped" story:I was almost raped in a bar last year. I had a couple drinks, then a guy came up to me and we started talking. Later, he asked "Do you want to have sex?" and I said "yes". We went back to his place, got naked, I sucked him off, and just as he was about to place his penis in my vagina, I screamed "OMIGOD YOU SICK FUCK!" and called the cops. He's currently serving a 10 year prison sentence.Since rape isn't really properly identified by the internet police I've come up with a list to let you know...HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'RE A RAPISTIf you dont believe a woman when she says she was raped then youre encouraging rape.If you bump into a woman and don't say "excuse me" you're a rapist.If you think of a girl naked and she doesn't know/doesn't like it you're a rapist.If you masturbate and your semen hits the floor and a woman walks on your carpet in the next fifty years you're a rapist.Toilet seat up? You're a rapist.If you cannot rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time you're a rapist.If you congratulate your sister on graduating college with honors by giving her a hug you're a rapist.If you're left-handed, you're a rapist.If a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, and they both decide to have a child together you're a rapistTeabagging isn't rape. It's funny. If you don't think it's funny you're a rapist.If it's Tuesday, you're a rapistIf you've ever masturbated, then you've taken advantage of yourself and you're a rapist.If you are reading this, you are a rapist.If you don't forward chain letters in a prompt manner, you're kind of raping the whole concept, rapist.If you look a girl anywhere but the area just below her forehead and just above her nose, you're a rapist.If you know how this sentence is going to end, you're a rapist.If you're having sex with a woman and she tells you to go harder and you don't, you're a rapist.If you remain friends with a man after learning that he has a penis, you are encouraging rape.If you are black and a white girl says you raped her despite evidence stacked so highly in your favor that it would border on a breach of everything America stands for if you were convicted, guess what? You are a rapist.If you recognized the last one as a "Matrix" refference, then I'm a rapist.If she says "I give you my consent to have sex with me" while showing two forms of legal ID, sober and cogent, and you then you put your penis into her vagina, you're a rapist.If you enjoy rhyming rhythmically to urban beats, you are a rappist.If you think you might not be a rapist, you're a rapistIf you have ever spent less than three hours on foreplay, you are most definitely a rapist.If you are happy and you know it and you really wanna show it, if you're happy and you know it you're a rapist.If you laugh at any point in this list, you're a rapist.If you have a large penis, you are a misogynist and a rapist, because women don't like large penises. EVER.If you hang up on a telemarketer, you are a rapist. If you are a telemarketer, you are a rapist of ears. If you do not hang up on a telemarketer, you are asking for it.You are a rapist.If you deny being a rapist, you're not only a rapist, but also a liar.Rape isn't just about men however. As a woman you have a responsibility to make sure that you do your part to avoid sexual predators and make sure that you are never asking for it.IS SHE ASKING FOR IT?Driving: Any female in control of a motor vehicle is just asking for it. These women's lib types just have it on their forehead like daddy's dick.Abortion clinic: This baby killer is whoring for sure. You can help by ensuring she doesn't even have to ask.Homemaking: If you're a woman and you overcook a man's pot roast.Church: She's not just there to be filled with the holy ghost if you get my meaning.Praying at Mecca: LOLBedridden/Invalid: While not quite as gratifying, if you can't find any females roaming the streets or in an unlocked house, incapacitated females can be quite kinky. You haven't lived until dodging a bed pan or colostomy bag thrown by a playful lover.Other obvious scenarios for which no explanation is needed: Performing surgery, babysitting, giving birth, having limb amputated, voting, holding puppies, etc.
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